Saturday, 20 May 2017

Gender Bender

Sharing some humour about inanimate objects and their gender.

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. 

For example:

Freezer Bags - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.



Photocopiers - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but they can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tyres - Male, because they go bald and they are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's lots of hot air.

Sponges - Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Pages - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Railway Stations - Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's still handy to have around.

Remote Control - Female...... Ha! You thought it would be male, but consider this - They give a man pleasure, and he'd be lost without one. And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

I am royalty



What am I doing here among these steam locomotives? You may well ask. Pull up a seat and I’ll tell you my story.

You call these huff and puff monsters the glory days of rail but I have my own glory to boast about.

Firstly, I was born in Canada, at the Montreal Locomotive Works in Quebec. Locomotives like me, called the 40 class, were the first mainline diesel electric locomotives to be built for New South Wales and, as you can tell by my number, 4001, I am the class leader having entered service 30 November 1951.

My brother, 4002, and I were immediately assigned to freight work. These steam trains you see around me required a lot of servicing and regular watering. We also performed better and proved our worth.

Our abilities recognised, we were put to work on passenger trains and in1952 two of my brothers slashed three hours of the old steam train times.

But, I had the supreme honour in 1954 when 4002 and I were painted in royal blue livery and hauled Queen Elizabeth II’s carriages for her tour. It was our greatest moment of glory and we proudly displayed our royal colours until the 1960s.

So, you see, my friend. I have earned my right to be on display here at the museum. Not only am I an important exhibit. I was thought so highly of that I have been restored to running condition and given back my livery I displayed proudly for so long.

*****

This is another piece I wrote for the Scribblings magazine of the Wollondilly Branch of the Fellowship of Australian Writers. The theme for this was “A Photo”.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

You find out interesting things when you have sons



This has been around for a while but I love the humour in it. Incidentally, fortunately, my son did not try MOST of these.

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
  • You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • hen you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,
  • Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
  • Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
  • VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.